Independence and Conflict

A wall of text rambling about introspective behaviour.

I’m really conflicted with what I wrote below. Maybe it’s only because I’m feeling conflict about myself. This post is a wall of text. If you’re new to the blog, I’d say skip it. Lol.

Anyways:

I have been trying so hard for a month and a half to write a blog post – but the only time words have freely flown from my mind to my keyboard is when I’ve been in a depressive state. Last week I got about 300 words in before I went in a downwards spiral and started crying. 2018 has had me in my feelings (definition of in my feelings). I’ve been very introspective and I’ve been wanting to do something with what I learn about myself. There has been only one problem with this so far – and that is not being able to clearly communicate what I’ve learned (about myself). I know what I want to say, I know what the point of what I’m saying is, but what I see and the way that I communicate it are drastically different. Spoken simply: what I see is different than what others see. A kitchen sink to you, is not a kitchen sink to me, okay friend? Have you ever seen someone draw a clock where the clock looks really messed up? (if you don’t know what I’m talking about here’s an example). Obviously the person drawing the clock thinks it looks normal. “My clock looks fine?? What do you mean the numbers are only on the right side?”. I think I’m the person in this scenario drawing a crooked clock, someone tells me they don’t understand my clock, and then I actually see what they see and understand how messed up my clock looks. I need analogies and metaphors to describe everything, because the only way I can express something clearly is to relate it to something else.

The reason why this is a problem is because there’s not a comparison for everything. To tell a story is so easy. To use words to describe this moment in time is not? And I’ve reread what I’ve written so far, almost compulsively, reading, rewriting, reading, rewriting. It’s okay for me to write and post something that isn’t perfect… like I mentioned in the first blog post, this blog will help me be accountable to myself.

At least, it would be great at helping me be accountable to myself if I allow it to be that way. The purpose of this blog was initially reliant on something else entirely… here’s the first blog post (A Cornerstone), broken down.

The first block of text talks about not following through with projects. The second block of text talks about an online course being my cornerstone (definition of cornerstone: an important quality or feature on which a particular thing depends or is based; a stone that forms the base of a corner of a building, joining two walls), and that this blog will be a place to share thoughts as an effect of that. The course is what is going to hold this blog + rewiring lazy habits together. The last block of text builds on top of the course being a cornerstone, by making the blog a way to be accountable to myself.

That would be great, except that I stopped following through with that online course after about a month. My cornerstone disappeared, letting this blog and being accountable to myself and rewiring lazy habits, crumble.

(Side note, you’ll see the word “effect” italicized about and that’s the first time I used the word in over a year. I’m proud of myself. I often end up changing effect to a different word because I struggle with it affect/effect, but here’s a link that gave me the confidence to use effect over affect).

All of this has led me to think about what independence is and why so many of us need external accountability.

Lately, I’ve been told many times that I’m independent. While I agree with that, I wonder why it is something that’s so noticeable? Is it because I’m a woman that can do things alone? I don’t mind going to a restaurant or a movie by myself. Sometimes I prefer to go alone, actually. However, to do something challenging, where I’m uncomfortable or lack confidence, I struggle to go about it alone. Doesn’t that mean I’m not independent? Are there varying levels of independence? Am I confusing self-reliance with independence?

I struggle to go about doing some challenging things alone, because I don’t have external accountability. So when I’m independently doing things that don’t challenge me, is that really being independent?

I’m conflicted. Sometimes there isn’t an answer.

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