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strg grf

A couple weeks ago, I was taking a course on company culture. The woman in the video said (paraphrased):

You don’t need to empower people. People walk in the door already with power. All you need to do is not take that power away.

And I keep thinking about that.

Just like I keep thinking about perception. I feel like I’m starting to sound like a broken record. I’m stuck on it. There are so many different truths. You would think when it comes to truth, that there is one truth, as there’s one right and wrong. But it’s never that simple. It’s always a spectrum. Almost always. Sort of.

Tonight, I started rewatching The OA on Netflix. In the first episode, you see OA’s parents removing her door and taking away her camera. Stripping her of her privacy. Her power. And that leads me to -> What gives someone the right to make decisions for someone else? I guess the parent-child scenario isn’t a good place to start. (In the show, OA is in her mid/late-twenties, if that matters). Isn’t making decisions for others taking their power? I’m not talking about someone in a coma getting decisions made for them. I’m not talking about a parent telling a child they can’t eat ice cream for breakfast.

I think this is a grey area. Where does the line start, and where does it end? Is it okay to make decisions for other people? What are the scenarios? After answering those questions – what is it like to be the person whose decisions are getting made for them?

And all these thoughts on decision making, bring me right back to to thoughts on ownership and possession. Vicky Cristina Barcelona. We do not own others. They are not our possessions. They’re not ours to keep… they are not ours to make decisions for?

I don’t know.

To be continued.

Beauty

Photo by Luis del Río from Pexels

 

Beautiful things are often sad.

A few months ago I watched the movie A Ghost Story. Amazon.com: Watch A Ghost Story | Prime Video

It wasn’t a horror movie. It wasn’t a thriller either. I don’t really know how to describe it, so here’s the synopsis:

In this singular exploration of legacy, love, loss, and the enormity of existence, a recently deceased, white-sheeted ghost returns to his suburban home to try to reconnect with his bereft wife.
Imagine: your deceased loved one in a sheet, following you around the house. You can’t feel them or see them. It’s not creepy. It’s not anything. You don’t vibe them or even know that they’re there.


The scenes were long and drawn out (cue Rooney Mara eating a whole pie in one shot), and could make you uncomfortable (cue the conspicuous silence in many scenes). It’s definitely not a movie for everyone. But it is purposeful. It’s a movie about a ghost, in which the ghosts life is long and drawn out and is unapologetic on if it makes you uncomfortable. To think about a dead loved one, lurking around in your house, unsure of why or how they’re still there, watching you, wanting you to notice them. Wanting to be there.


The soundtrack really helped tie this movie together. One song in particular, I Get Overwhelmed by Dark Rooms, particularly stands out. The best way that I can describe it is Cinematic. It’s Cinematic and Beautiful.

Please listen to it before reading this next bit.

All of the layers and layers of this song. All of the audio tracks playing and having their own textures. It’s beautiful. It reminds me of the first time I heard Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance. You can hear and feel the depth of a song and it’s passion.

I also like when vulgarity is mixed with beauty. To sing:

All the women
That you wanna fuck
On the internet
Wouldn’t give you a second look
Did you fool yourself?
That’s privilege
That’s power without power
That’s a business
Business

This brings my mind to Gaspar Noé’s film LoveA film that tells it’s story around sexual encounters. Vulgarity mixed with beauty. A lot of people say it’s just a feature film porno… but I have to disagree. I think it’s just like A Ghost Story. These are both introspective films that bring you along on a journey.

It’s been a few years since I’ve watched Love, maybe I’m remembering it incorrectly. Maybe this is the part in the blog post where I doubt myself and everything that I’ve written. Where I doubt my memory, and remember that life can only be lived by the person living it, and that your reality is drastically different than everyone else’s and this is why people remember things differently and feel things differently in the moment – why an experience can be freeing for one person, but traumatic for another. We can only truly see through our eyes. We can have others guide us into a different reality through films and books and photographs and stories and music but we’re still seeing it through our eyes, and even if we somehow lived exactly the same life as them, we still wouldn’t see it exactly the same.

How someone would feel about any of the things I’ve written tonight, is all based on personal experience, perception of beauty, judgement of art, and judgement of the artist. This is my perspective. If anyone has watched both A Ghost Story and Love, please tell me how you feel on the matter. Did you like one but not the other? Did you hate both? Did you love both? Do you feel like they’re connected? Or do you feel like the stories and movies couldn’t be further apart? I want to see it from someone else’s perspective, and I want to hear why.

Goal Setting

Thoughts about specific goals vs lifestyle goals.

Some of my goals 2020

  • Visit 6 different national/state parks
  • Perfect cooking 1 meal + 1 dessert
  • 18 books (double of what I did in 2019)
  • Be Debt Free
  • Save More
  • Learn & Know the Korean Alphabet
  • Publish 36 Blog Posts between this blog & One For The Shelves

Looking at this list, I realized there are 2 types of goals that are typically set:

1) Specific
2) Lifestyle

You’ll notice most of my goals are specific. I think lifestyle goals are harder to implement because they’re ongoing. They’re goals meant to change your habits. Whereas specific ones, you just have to be consistent and grind until you get there. It may take many months, but there’s a specific end goal in sight.

I was talking to a guy last night who said his goal for last year was to quit smoking. He succeeded. Breaking it down though, this goal was specific. Technically, the moment he finished his last cigarette and said he quit, he could say he accomplished his goal. So if he had started smoking again, technically he still did reach his goal. However, since he didn’t start up again, it shows he implemented a lifestyle change after that.

Most of my goals are specific, but I’m wondering if I should be setting these specific goals with an idea of what will happen after I reach them. Maybe goals in general need to be set with both in mind. It’s one thing to reach a goal, and then another to maintain it.

Do you have any thoughts about this? How do you see Specific/Lifestyle Goals fitting into your own goals?

This is where my thoughts start spiraling down to what’s next.

Continue reading “Goal Setting”

Neon Gravestones

Life goes on, you know?

I’ve lost a few friends before. Drug overdoses, mainly.

Never someone who felt like me. Not just a level of understanding, but a sense that we’re the same.

Maybe he was a chameleon too. Maybe this is why I feel we’re the same. We’d meet up as two different colors, and we’d eventually become the same color. More than “I get you.” We spent our time with different people. His lover is magenta, and he’d become magenta. Sometimes it’s what she wanted, sometimes it wasn’t. She loved him regardless. His brother was a strong indigo. He looked up to him for guidance on how to keep his colors bright and bold. When his brother went away, he did his best to carry on this indigo, and made for a nice lavender. His best friend is sea foam, and he’d complement him and be the color of wet sand. The sea wants sand on every coast around the globe. It’s hard to think of one without the other. As a chameleon, he was able to adapt or complement anyone’s colors. He adapted and related to every person, giving everyone their own puzzle piece. Though, he ended up losing all of his colors. Unsure of what to do, he realized he needed to be alone. He didn’t know his own color. He also realized he desperately didn’t want to know his own color. He’d rather disappear, forever. But after walking an exhausting walk towards the edge of the world, he wanted to try to learn how to be colorful again. And with medical assistance, he went from not having any colors to having a constant rainbow strobe. That was adjusted, and he was able to mimic colors.

He could mimic them, but he could not feel them. He looked full of color, but he was empty. Then one day, he walked into the desert and decided to mimic the Earth’s colors instead. A perfect match on the outside, he was left inside of himself. People looked for him, for years. What was he thinking about inside of himself? Did he plan it, or on that day did the universe coax him into the desert with the promise of being any color and no color, all at once? Was it blurryface all along? Leaving wasn’t an option.

He wanted to disappear into the Earth, or that’s how he made it seem. To physically fade away. He almost succeeded.

Thanks to mixkit.co for the header art.

Ideas

The first definition on Merriam Webster of “Original” is:

original (noun)
orig·i·nal |
Definition of original (Entry 1 of 2)
1 archaic : the source or cause from which something arises
specifically : ORIGINATOR

I read somewhere recently that there’s no such thing as an original thought. The way this person explained it, I thought… wow. Your thoughts are created from all that you’ve been introduced to previously. So when you hear a radical idea, or when thoughts really hit you, maybe they are life changing. Literally. They will forever change what thoughts you will think in the future.

Continue reading “Ideas”

Exposure and Understanding Art

A short post about introspection.

Today, there was a piece of art that everyone seemed to love. Except for me. Some vocalized their opinions on why they thought it was incredible. I was called out, “Day, what do you think of this?”. I had been trying to keep my head down. “Well… I’m having a hard time understanding it… like, where it comes from?”. The room was silent. My opinion was quickly glossed over. Others shared their thoughts and expressed the level of competency the artist must have to deliver something so unique/wonderful, and I was left wondering why my opinion was so different. There were 10 other people feeling a certain way, while seeing the same thing I was seeing, and I was feeling the opposite.

I keep getting told that (paraphrasing) art shouldn’t be looked at morally. “You, as your own person, can’t have belief in the story that is being told when you’re judging it.” This all makes sense. How can we feel what is being expressed in art, when our ego is in the way? How can we understand art when we’re criticizing it? And is it a matter of judging the art because of the artist? and should art be tied to the artist?

Understanding art is up to the interpretation of the viewer, but it’s so complex. There’s no right answer? We form opinions based on what we know, which obviously vary dramatically from those surrounding us.

I was told later that the reason I was called upon to share my opinion, is because said person saw an element of myself, Day, in that art. Leading me to realize my opinion differed because I was judging the art… or maybe, I was judging the artist. I was preventing myself from seeing the work for what it really was, because I was judging it.

And when I figured out that I was judging myself in that art, I felt very exposed.

Where?

A recap of the month.

Where did May go?

 

It has been over a month since I last posted. Every day for the past 2 weeks, I thought about posting. It’s been busy! (It’s can mean it is or it has.) To be honest though, I didn’t get much done. My productivity has been on a downtrend.

I completed 0 books. I haven’t been studying any of my online courses. I barely went to the gym. I haven’t been drinking as much water as I should be. I’ve let my inbox become a mess, and my to-do list is similar situation.

There have been some wins though! While I didn’t accomplish much on paper, mentally I have been exercising loads. I’m allowing myself to be emotionally available with someone I really care about. I’m consistently attending my acting class. I’m making this post. I even physically exercised more this month than I did last month.

 

 

This was just a quick update. I think I’m ready to get back into a routine.

Not every day/month will be a productive, but even a 5% improvement is an accomplishment to be celebrated